I have been trying for quite awhile to get off my backside and go to grad school. It is time to stop complaining about my situation in life and try and be proactive. The problem is that I am afraid. Due to the fact that I was an immature twit in college, my GPA was, well, less-than stellar. Most grad schools have minimum GPA's. All of them are out of my league. I have contacted schools about this, and they say to apply anyway. They tell me that the length of time since my undergrad days will work to my advantage. I really want to do this. Here's the thing- if I never apply, I can also imagine there is a chance. I know this is ridiculous, but I am being honest here. I am paralyzed by my fear. Since I am airing the old dirty laundry, I have decided to make this post a shrine of sorts to some of my biggest fears. Here goes:
1. the dentist. seriously, I have been 3 times in 11 years.
2. taking the initiative to meet new people. We moved to Hanover to be involved in our community and to join a church that was serious about doing this as a body. The problem is, I can't bring myself to talk to my neighbors or to meet new people at church. What a trainwreck.
3. confrontation. If I don't like the way someone treats me, it is much easier to complain about them to someone else and in effect be worse than them.
4. People reading my writing. I love to write. I can fantasize that I can express myself well this way. I just don't want anyone to read it. Kind of a problem, I know. That is why I started this blog (thanks to prompting from some very persistent people).
5. being disliked
6. Because other peoples' kids are different than mine, that I am a bad parent.
Well, that is enough for now.
"Oh, for the sake of momentum, I've allowed my fears to get larger than life. And it's brought me to my current agendum whereupon I deny fulfillment has yet to arrive. And I know life is getting shorter I can't bring myself to set the scene. Even when it's approaching torture I've got my routine"- Aimee Mann Momentum, Magnolia Soundtrack
Tuscanny
About Me
If you are new to my blog, please read my first post describing my vision for it by clicking below
3 things- a weekly list
- 3 certainties about the Oriole's season
- 1. The loss of Brian Roberts
- 2. Record low attendence
- 3. no higher than 4th palce in the AL east
Links
- Ten Thousand Villages- crafts and gifts by 3rd world artisans. They work to provide fair, living wages and build cooperative relationships with artisans.
- Over the Rhine- for good music ,poetry and coffee
- Hearts and Minds Books, Dallastown, PA
- A Place for Truth- produced by Rev. Charles Biggs
- Mennonite Central Committee- Christians serving without agenda
Blog Archive
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2007
(67)
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February
(17)
- a delicious Over the Rhine Sampler
- I wish I said that
- Amazing Grace
- Over the Rhine is coming!
- social tension
- An allegory
- what would we do baby, without us? Sha la la la.
- Fear
- superman should have stayed where he was
- Estima is a brewin'
- First real snow of the season
- Let them eat cake!
- What light from Grandview Shopping Center breaks?
- The Personal Redemption of Bob Irsay and the Mayfl...
- 7 Reasons to not hate the French
- missing a man I never knew
- weakness
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February
(17)
Interesting blogs
- Jen Hamilton- One Mom's Thoughts
- WTMD- music blog of listener supported radio station of Towson University
- Jeffrey Overstreet's Looking Closer film review blog
- Byron Borger's booknotes blog
- Jeff Cagle (colleague, friend, musician, scientist, dad, TMBG fan)
- dan miller (former student)
- Scott Simmons (pastor and former colleague)
- the Mcmullen family
rocky mountain national park
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july, 2006
The Church at Auvers (detail)
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Vincent van Gogh (Paris 2002)
3 comments:
Fear, now thats the good stuff. I think its good you put your fears down in writing because you begin to deal with them by acknowledging their presence. I don't think it's ridiculous to be scared of Grad school. Instead I think you should be confident when applying, knowing that your GPA is not everything they consider. I'm not close to being done college, but I think grad school is a lot about working with your professor and dialogging about topics, and I think after working as a teacher and having to communicate with other teachers and administrators you are aptly prepared. Anyway, I like your writing keep it up.
Got your blog bookmarked
wow Earl. You just blew me away with your list. I'm jealous that you have a list. I need a list. My fears are circulating in my head & heart like a bad record and I need to put words on them...
~jodie
Quite prolific with this blog thing, aren't we?Impressive.
I struggle with some of these ideas too. I want to be someone who works hard, achieves, and feels good as a result, but I often do not do so. My desires or values and actions not matching up creates dissonance within me, and that further inhibits my behavior. It's a struggle.
I heard a story on NPR (so you know it's incontestable) about the results of a recent study that researched how our brains work. The study concluded that counter to previously held beliefs, our brains actually can grow in intellect. In other words, it's not like we're just born and have the same level of intellect for the rest of our lives. We can affect our "smartness"/ our ability to learn new things, and not just the amount of information stored in our brains. It might just be the result of a psychological trick we play on ourselves, but that's ok with me if it works.
That story was comforting to me as a guy with high aspirations and limited qualifications.
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