An Existential Revolt against Macbeth

The last day, actually 36 hours, of my junior year in college was perhaps the lowest of a long string of personal academic blunders. In the midst of finals, I found myself with 4 papers due, and not as much as a minute of work put towards their completion. Somehow I managed to get them all done on time. Somehow I managed to get no grade lower than a B on any of the four. Now, as my wife and co-workers will attest, I do work better at the last minute. This situation was not, however, due to my waiting for my most productive time. I simply did not want to do them. Since then, I have come to love writing. I would love to have the opportunity to sit and research with the intention of defending my thoughts. Aside from being with my family, there is probably no other way I would want to spend my time. What to make of this? I guess anyone can look back on youth with many regrets. This difference just seems so foundational. It makes me not want to trust my intentions and desires now. Why not just let Macbeth finish this thought?

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing." — Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17-27)

Aah, the pompous ass rears its ugliness once more. What irony, fearing a regrettable existence might just be the thing to give me one. There is one major difference between then and now. That is hindsight. Knowing where I was gives me an appreciation of where I am. If I had not been so thoroughly selfish, I might not be able to be who I am. Perhaps I don't need to fear the future after all. Perhaps it could only get better. I certainly don't want to one day regret who I am today. Never doing this could actually be worse. It would mean that I stayed the same. I am sure much of what I am doing now is regrettable. I guess it would be best to actually realize that one day.